And when I say I'm tired, I mean I don't want to do NOTHING! DON'T ask me to do anything, go anywhere, dress up, be nice...nothing!
I'm in my 8th month of pregnancy and I'm to the point that I want to be done and have this baby TODAY, but I know I'm not even ready for that day to come. I'm so unprepared for her arrival.. I didn't plan a baby shower and I still need some items and I don't even have a name picked out yet!! (I know, don't judge me!)
This has been a very difficult pregnancy this time around. Physically, I am exhausted everyday. I barely want to get out of bed and the reason why: the night before. I'm adjusting my pillow, tossing and turning, breaking out in sweats, and of course, the late night bathroom sessions... every hour. The struggle is real and all I want is sleep!!
Who am I kidding? My days of sleeping are over!
Mentally, I'm extremely terrified. Having one baby is hard and adding another one in the mix will be scary. Children are expensive and that's my main fear. I don't want to feel stressed out over money and feel like a failure.
Its funny.. when you're younger and you say how many kids you're going to have (I said I wanted 3) you don't think about the financial side of things... its always about the love you would have for them. *Sigh* if only that would be the only thing needed to take care of children... life would be great!
Other Fears I have:
My Son Feeling Left Out.
From the moment I found out I was expecting, I felt sadness for him because of not knowing how he will feel seeing another little squirmy human in mommy's arms. Will he become jealous and don't want to be around me?
Its a scary feeling not knowing what's wrong with your emotions. I wanted to be happy but I just couldn't. I didn't want to get up and go anywhere, or barely leave the room. When I had time to actually take a shower (yes, it was days I didn't even want to get up and do that) I would cry while letting the water hit my body and even then I couldn't feel the water.
My body just felt numb to anything.
It was a rough time when I had my son and I'm thankful for my doctor who recognized what was going on. I just hope this time around I don't sink that low emotionally.
Who Am I?
Will I be just a 'Mom" and nothing else?
Will I lose my identity having two children catering to their every need? I don't want to feel invisible to myself and others. I want to have days where I can just be me and do the things I used to do, even before having my son.
Finding Time For Myself
"I can not make time for myself because I'm supposed to give it all to my child." This was my mindset when I first became a mom. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with this, but I try to make time for myself. Like right now, my son is sleeping and I'm writing this post, BUT how will it be with two kids?? I know they certainly won't sleep at the same time!
I'm not Supermom.
I will make mistakes.
I'm certainly not the first person to have more than one child. My parents had 3 of us and we turned out just fine! I will take it one day at a time and that's all I can and will do.
Until next time,